Teenagers and media usage by Ima Twat

Teenagers and media usage by Ima Twat

Teenagers are surprisingly busy and simply 'have no time' to do anything even though what it is that keeps them so busy is a complete mystery. Possibilities include sitting around texting mates instead of speaking to them, sitting around drinking cider and getting sh*tfaced whilst texting mates instead of speaking to them, abusing people on bendy busses instead of speaking to them. You get the idea.

Teenagers also have no money which is why they a) hate adverts and b) hate paying for anything. Brand managers are now in a complete state of panic as if their future buying power is resistant to advertising and/or even buying, then how are they ever going to establish brand hold over the youth in order to achieve brain-washed brand loyalty later in life?

Even though most teenagers still live at home and have no money, therefore surely not paying for bills, Twat has said that most teenagers he speaks to have 'Virgin Media as their provider, citing lower costs but similar content of Sky'. What the hell is a teenager doing ringing round 'media content providers' checking out lowest costs for best content? Something smells fishy.

News for teenagers is anathema. Apparently they can actually read, as they will occasionally buy the Sun as it only costs 20p (and looks ever so stylish when pared with matching shell suit), but they love the free papers because they are, well, free. Teenagers seem not to have noticed that nearly every national newspaper is available online for free.

Teenagers listen to a lot of music. Like totally, a lot. So much, in fact, that we can't actually tell how much music they listen to. Mostly this is because teenagers listen to music when doing other things: travelling, using a computer, talking, chewing gum, having unprotected sex, vandalising council property, etc. As previously mentioned in conjunction with everything previously mentioned, teenagers also refuse to pay for anything thus acting as little anarchists in our tidy consumerist society.

Teenagers are also surprisingly self-contradictory as even though the are too busy to read newspapers, let alone books!, or to watch an educational documentary on television, they do not use internet features on their mobiles as it costs too much, and as they 'don't usually have anything urgent to do' they could just go use their home internet. Or maybe just go home. And stay there.

Perhaps the most terrifying thing about teenagers is that media directors take them so seriously. executive director of Morgan Stanley's European media team said that Twat's report on teenage media usage is 'one of the clearest and most thought-provoking insights we have seen.' Crikey.