An(other) open letter to my neighbours

Dear people who live in our block,

Whilst I sincerely regret that you have not been afforded the opportunity to have a good education - one which teaches not only math, science, and litterature, but which also instills those values essential for the model citizen: proper manners, appropriate behaviour, and a consideration for one's fellow man - I cannot allow for your blatant disregard for the sanctity of public space. Certainly, we already experience enough interference in public spaces in our day to day life: advertising everywhere, newspapers shoving trashy celeb pictures in our faces, noisy construction tearing up our streets.

I appreciate that you think playing your Bollywood music at deafening volumes in the public garden is doing us all some kind of favour. I assure you, it is not. When your children are running around out of doors and behaving inappropriately, engaging in a very loud and very public screaming match with them is frankly enough to make one call the police. It also makes you look like a failure of a human being when the only way you can communicate with your progeny is by screaming: 'you fucking little cunt! don't kick that goddamn ball in this house. so help me!' Some of us are intelligent, considerate, people who have work to do and do not appreciate the constant distraction. I know you may find it impossible to believe that some people actually work at home during the day, but I assure you, it is true.

At least our neighbours in number 6 have the courtesy to listen to their horrid music with the windows closed, even if their prostitute-like-good-for-nothing -fake orgasiming girlfriend has been making a bit more of a pornstar ruckus at 2 in the morning. I'd take fake sex noises over ear-splitting Indian music and screaming, ASBO parents any day of the week.

But what I'm really at a loss to understand, dear neighbours, is your abominable lack of self awareness. Sure a good, courteous, public-space sharing citizen is concerned for the experience of the other people living in the space - he's contentious and wishes to make life pleasant for everyone. Yet even if the idea of being a good neighbour never enters into the equation: have you people no shame!? Do you not care what we think of you? That when it is discovered that three children from the area have been murdered, the first person we suspect is you after witnessing you (for all intents and purposes) beat your children for acting like arseholes even though it's blatantly obvious that you can't be bothered to parent. Are you not embarrassed to be listening to such terrible music or to look like a hyper-terrorist tasmanian devil bitch mother?

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that life is not simply one long audition for Big Brother.

Ever yours,

Crystal