No Sex Please, We're British - Part 2

Remember the London Review of Books Personal Ads?

The best thing about them is that there are more new ones every week. These are the ones that got me laughing::

Rather beautiful 34-year old hysteric seeks man who has written more books than her analyst. Her own attempts have stalled at page 96.
email: Porlock6@hotmail.com

Celebrate National Nurses Week with me! Man, 82.
box no. 05/03

I subvert all the expectations built up in this column like a goat in space subverts gravy. Space-goat-esque gravy-subverting pervert (M, 51).
box no. 05/04

For all you ladies keeping a vigil for my return to this column after an absence of 2 years, God has answered your prayers by forcing the LRB, after much petitioning, to lift almost all of their unreasonable restrictions on the content of my adverts. I am a man. I am 46.
box no. 05/06

Bathsheba of Brighton (49) divorced Gabriel Oak (and his boring flute). Now seeks urban pleasures with entertaining man, 40-60.
box no. 04/05

Yes, my advert is poorly constructed, but it’s a miracle I can do anything at all with my crippling addictions to chine sandwiches, supermarket own-brand cider and internet pornography. F, 94, Market Rasen.
box no. 04/07

And my personal favourite this week:

By applying Baer and Rinzel's Continuum Model to our love-making I will show you how the pedicles and laminae forming the vertebral arch of the spine is the only true erogenous zone. I will require travel expenses (I live within Zone 4 of the London Underground network – further details will follow), a beverage allowance, and a willingness on your part to undergo just 45 minutes of drug-free anaesthesia.
box no. 05/07