Monday, 30 March 2009

No Sex Please, We're British - Part 2

Remember the London Review of Books Personal Ads?

The best thing about them is that there are more new ones every week. These are the ones that got me laughing::

Rather beautiful 34-year old hysteric
seeks man who has written more books than her analyst. Her own attempts have stalled at page 96.

Celebrate National Nurses Week with me! Man, 82.
box no.

I subvert all the expectations built up in this column like a goat in space subverts gravy. Space-goat-esque gravy-subverting pervert (M, 51).
box no.

For all you ladies keeping a vigil for my return to this column after an absence of 2 years, God has answered your prayers by forcing the LRB, after much petitioning, to lift almost all of their unreasonable restrictions on the content of my adverts. I am a man. I am 46.
box no.

Bathsheba of Brighton (49) divorced Gabriel Oak (and his boring flute). Now seeks urban pleasures with entertaining man, 40-60.
box no.

Yes, my advert is poorly constructed, but it’s a miracle I can do anything at all with my crippling addictions to chine sandwiches, supermarket own-brand cider and internet pornography. F, 94, Market Rasen.
box no.

And my personal favourite this week:

By applying Baer and Rinzel's Continuum Model to our love-making I will show you how the pedicles and laminae forming the vertebral arch of the spine is the only true erogenous zone. I will require travel expenses (I live within Zone 4 of the London Underground network – further details will follow), a beverage allowance, and a willingness on your part to undergo just 45 minutes of drug-free anaesthesia.
box no.

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